No, you don’t understand, I really do want to watch every match…

OK, so England haven’t won the World Cup for 48 years. Great – must be our turn to win. The excitement is building, and we’re but a week away from the greatest show on earth. Bring. It. On.

I can’t help but think back to iconic moments of World Cups past – from Maradona’s Hand of God to his stunning second against England in 86, Beckham’s redemption with a penalty against Argentina, Gazza’s tears, Lampard’s disallowed ‘goal’ – a mile over the line, Zidane’s headbutt, Owen’s wondergoal… The list goes on and on, and it’s a list that will be added to at this summer’s feast of football, at the spiritual home of the game. I can’t wait. My wallchart’s up already and I’ve cleared my diary for England’s first three games, and optimistically, the games they might play if they make it out of their tough group.

Where will the big stories come from? What minnow will upset the odds? Which favourite will leave the party early? What will Balotelli do next? All I know is that I’ll be there for the start of it all – Brazil v Croatia, 9pm on Thursday 12th June (by the way, when I say I’ll be there, I mean in front of my television, and not at the Arena de Sao Paulo). Even my wife – who doesn’t watch football – is looking forward to it. Well, she’ll tolerate it. OK, she’ll leave the room and do something else instead. What I’m trying to say is that even non-football fans are liable to get just a teensy bit excited.

So who’s going to win? Hosts Brazil are the favourites, priced at 3-1 by many bookies. After that comes Argentina at between 4-1 and 5-1 and then Germany and Spain at the 5-1 and 6-1 mark. England are well down the list at around 28-1. But odds mean nothing; rarely do the favourites win. Granted, Spain won it four years ago, but that’s only because Paul the Octopus predicted it. But in 2006, favourites Brazil lost to France in the quarter finals, 2002 favourites France didn’t even make it out of the group stage, and much-fancied Germany made it only to last eight in 1998, getting knocked out by a fairly average Croatia team. Clutching at straws? You bet.

Now I know that whenever a World Cup comes along, the TV schedules are largely handed over to it, but this time round it seems even more like overkill than usual. On Dave, we’ve had England's Top 19 Footy Heroes, England's Top 53 Footy Goals and England's Top 39 Footy Gaffes (why the random numbers?). BBC Four’s given us Danny Baker’s World Cup Brush Up, and BBC Three’s had The World Cup’s Most Shocking Moments, Greatest Moments and Best Ever Goals Ever [sic]. Plus, BBC One gives us David Beckham’s expedition to the Amazon, Alan Hansen – King of Pundits (debatable), The Beautiful Game – including Gary Lineker’s interview with Brazilian legends Pele and Ronaldo, amongst others – and Rio in Rio, which, er, does exactly what it says on the tin really. It’s a veritable smorgasbord of football awesomeness, so for those that hate football, it must seem hard to avoid (though there must be a Midsomer Murders on somewhere; there usually is). For some, the unpalatable truth is that the football’s here and you had better get used to it.

But I have a problem. I’ve actually planned to meet with people over the next five weeks. I have to socialise. When I want to be watching Columbia v Greece, I’ve got to go to a wedding reception. For Germany v Ghana, it’s a family dinner getting in the way. And for South Korea v Belgium – the big one – it’s a work night out. Now, you may be thinking – and I know plenty who do think this – why do I want to watch South Korea v Belgium or Columbia v Greece? Why do I need to see these documentaries, especially the ‘list’ ones where I’ve seen all the clips before? Well, you’re right, I have seen all the clips, and yes – those matches aren’t the most glamorous on paper.

But the game’s not played on paper. The dodgy looking ones can turn out to be classics. And anyhow, I watch to watch everything, including those ‘list’ shows. I want to get in the mood, to fully immerse myself in everything ‘World Cup’, after all it only comes around every four years. So if you ask me out for a drink and I give you a reason why I can’t come, it might be a genuine excuse, but I’ll probably be at home watching Chile v Australia.