Why I'm keeping my birthday to myself

If today is your birthday, I hope you have a really good one.

It is, after all, the one day in the year on which you can be made a fuss of. It’s the one day in the year where you get to go to the pub and not have to buy a single drink. Some workplaces will give you the morning off, or even the whole day off. There are people I know who even now, into their thirties, don’t so much celebrate their birthday as mark it with a season of events. Out with this group of friends one day, out with that group of friends the next. Out with their partner, weekend away. Talk about milking it.

I won’t be milking it. In fact, I won’t even be telling anyone it’s my birthday. I’ve just started a new job; there’s certainly no need to tell my colleagues when my birthday is. Why would they care? Why should they care? By telling them, I‘d be asking them to mark it in some way, even though they barely know me. And if they decide it’s ‘the right thing’ to buy me a crap cake and serenade me with a lacklustre rendition of Happy Birthday, that’ll be something that no-one wants.

So I’m going to keep it to myself. After all, it’s only a birthday. And though I’ve never really understood why people get so upset about hitting milestones at the lower end of the spectrum, 21/30 etc – “oh, I’m so old!” You’re 30, grow up and stop fishing for compliments – the idea of actually being old, actually old, does depress me a little. I see a world tailored for younger people, which is why I’m not bothered about marking another a year away from that period in my life.

And I especially don’t want to do it at work, where people only join in because they feel they have to. It’s time to end the marking of birthdays in the workplace. Here’s why.

1. It’s very often done at the last minute. If it’s your birthday, and everyone’s fighting over not being the one that has to go out and get the cake and the card, that’s not going to make you feel great about yourself.

2. Be honest. Would you rather not have to put your hands in your pocket every five minutes, even if it is only a couple of quid? I’m sure you’d rather save your cash. There are already leaving presents to buy for, wedding gifts and new baby gifts. I’m not tight, these special occasions are worth celebrating; I just feel birthdays are not.

3. There’s nothing more forced than the big birthday cake moment. People are loathe to puncture the office quiet, resulting in a slightly uninspiring and somewhat insincere singsong. No-one wants to sing. No-one wants to be sung to. So why do it?

4. In a big team, there’s a birthday most weeks, and it feels like all you’re ever doing is ‘celebrating’ birthdays. After a while, it does start to lose its spark.

5. When it comes to the ‘big moment’, most people are in meetings or on a late lunch, or they’re not bothered and just stay at their desks. Either do it properly or not at all.

Here’s an idea. Go for a beer after work with your mates instead. Those that want to go, go. Those who don’t, don’t. Don’t know about you, but it makes sense to me.